Other humour
Below are problems allegedly noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for
maintenance crews to fix before the next flight, plus the replies from the
maintenance crews.
Problem |
Solution |
|
|
Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
|
Auto land not installed on this aircraft. |
Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
|
Almost replaced left inside main tyre. |
No 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. |
No 2 propeller seepage normal - No 1, No 3, and No 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.
|
Something loose in cockpit.
|
Something tightened in cockpit. |
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
|
Evidence removed. |
DME volume unbelievably loud.
|
Volume set to more believable level. |
Dead bugs on windshield.
|
Live bugs on order. |
Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
|
Cannot reproduce problems on ground. |
IFF inoperative.
|
IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. |
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
|
That's what they're there for. |
Number three engine missing.
|
Engine found on right wing after brief search. |
Aircraft handles funny.
|
Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious. |
Target Radar hums. |
Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words. |
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)
On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
In some countries, on the bottom of fizzy drink bottles:
OPEN OTHER END.
On a bag of crisps:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
On a bread pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
On a packet of peanuts:
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. |
